Christian Bale update

Newsflash - it seems that our flouncy Welsh friend is determined to prove that he's still as much of a tosser as ever.

I'm sure you've all heard this:



by now and don't need me to point out what a poncy, precious little wanker he is. But I will anyway.

Christian Bale is a poncy, precious little wanker. Fact.

Welcome to the Wall of Shame, Christian

OP out.

Oestrus Pudenda's Wall of Shame

Welcome to the Wall of Shame where all the cuntiest, most useless twats in the world gather to celebrate their irrevocable crapness.

Suggest your own and if the justification's good enough you could see it here, on the world's most insightful blog. Here are a few to get the ball rolling:

Name		Reason
Me		I started this wall so it's only right that I should top it. And admittedly I am a cunt, but that's just the price you have to pay for being intrinsically better than everyone else.
Christian Bale		Two strikes and you're in you pathetic, flouncing twat. Beating up your mum and sister does not make you hard. Neither does shouting at someone who has no power to retaliate.
Jade Goody		For being one of the biggest, dumbest cunts ever to pollute the planet with her self absorbed drivel. Sorry about the cancer though.
Jackie Goody		For spawning the above.
Paris Hilton		For getting famous for sucking cock, then using that fame to hawk low grade pink shit to twelve year old girls.
Boris Johnson		Bumbling closet fascist with a haircut that looks like someone has just thrown up on top of his head, and for being an utterly, utterly useless cunt.

So, who else should be on the wall and why?

The end of the world

Well the world didn’t end today. It is a relief purely because there are still some hot birds out there that need to be ploughed by Oestrus, and it would be a tragedy for humanity to cease to exist without me hearing my balls slap against Jessica Biel's chin. I’m not too fussed about the geeks creating a black hole in Switzerland, in fact I think it’s a great fucking idea. I wish there was one in the UK, and no, I am not talking about the cultural vacuum that has sucked all the talent and creativity out of the entertainment industry (if you think Noel Edmonds opening an empty box is entertainment then fuck off right now).

I want a bin sized black hole in the corner of my office - the perfect spot for most of the myopic, uninspiring briefs I get sent, and for that matter any CV that doesn’t have a photo from the waist up coz if I can't see those jubilees girls I can't see any reason to give you a job.

Just think of the applications; you could put a black hole above every chimney, behind every car exhaust, any nuclear waste chuck it in the BH. Yes, I know it has to end up somewhere, but that somewhere is another dimension, so fuck them. If they haven’t had the courtesy to contact us after all the years humanity has been screaming blindly into the cosmos, but as soon as a little bit of nuclear waste pops up in their dimension they want to parlay, I say fuck 'em. And if they don’t have the technology to make contact, fuck 'em twice with a big stick coz that is Darwinism in its purist form.

Talking about Darwinism leads me on to my next gripe, fucking pensioners bitching about their fuel allowance or lack of it. Why do they need it? Hasn’t every geek and his godson spent the last ten years bitching about global warming and the fact that the Earth's temperature is rising? And yet these old bastards want more money to burn more fossil fuel, even though it's never going to be cold again thanks to their own irresponsible use of hairspray and fridges in the early 1980s.

Just the other day I was standing outside Oxfam laughing and throwing small change at all the gypos going inside when I spotted a jumper for a pound. Now, give a pensioner a hundred quid and he will spend it on increased carbon emissions, but catch one on the temple with a pound coin and he can be warm for the rest of his life.

Crap adverts

What the fuck is wrong with some of the dumb cunt clients that approve the godforsaken ads that appear in between the piss poor, unimaginative, run of the mill TV programmes I occasionally have the misfortune to observe?

It's as if they are having a competition to see who could come up with the most unappealing, mind numbing shite for the public to consume or have to succumb to. The fact is that TV is on its way out, replaced by online viewing where the rules of their game don’t apply.

For example, I can remember those shabby Argos ads with Richard E Grant and Julia what’s her socks furnishing a mansion with the Argos catalogue. A few years, months, days, who knows, later in this convoluted, overexposed cultural vacuum called TV the ads are back - but no longer Argos, it's now Yell. Same fucking script, same story, just change the gender and ethnicity of the main characters and no one will notice.

It's such a shameless rehash of the commercial that I am compelled to bow down and salute the creative who managed to sell the same shite twice. What was it guys? Did you have pictures of the client fucking a dog, or have they just not read The Emperor's New Clothes, or maybe they did and the if it ain't broke don’t fix it attitude in the boardroom yet again surpassed common sense and creativity.

Why the fuck does Gillette keep on putting more and more razor blades on a razor? It just seems so fucking pointless. Is there a difference between running a single blade razor over your face four times or a four bladed razor once? Even writing about it pisses me off, not just the balls up of an ad made to go with the crock of shit product.

“OK, let's get three famous sportsmen from different sporting arenas, put them in the same suit and make them walk about a bit then cut to the four bladed razor.” At least the ad makes as much sense as the product.

If they had asked me do it I would have given Woods and Henry the four blade and Federer a Ladyshave, and whoever is left standing at the end gets the loser's fee. Hopefully Woods and Henry would carve up that pussy Federer and then go for each other Double Dragon style. Henry could even use his four blade to slice one of the arms off Federer's corpse and batter Woods about the head with it shouting 'fore' every time he connected. Not only entertaining, but culturally relevant as well, as all the teenagers in London would be reminded of the last time they walked home from school.

Or how about replacing the razor with a big sword so then you could just cut your own head off and never worry about shaving or their shit commercials again?

Rag Week*

*not the kind where a bunch of cross dressing Jeremys mince down Tottenham Court Road with a hospital bed, but the shit one that comes round once every four weeks

Why is it socially acceptable for women to behave like cunts and then, a few days or weeks later, or whenever it is that they realise they are/were behaving like a cunt on legs (which in a sense is exactly what they are, except Heather Mills who is a cunt on leg), are they given carte blanche on account of fucking hormones?

I’m fucking hormonal right now. You can tell because my purple headed custard chucker is throbbing, primed and ready to unload. But can I pin down the first bit of fluff that tickles my fancy and release my pent up hormones? Is it acceptable for me to shout ‘cock hungry sluts’ to the nuns on their way to wherever nuns go? Can I smack the fucking head off the grinning idiot who didn’t put chocolate sprinkles on my cappuccino and play in the bloody, gooey brain mush that’s left? Can I even kick the fuck out of the cunt at Virgin Media who promised me 8 meg broadband and produced 1, leaving me custard chucker in hand and nothing to look at but half an Asian babe with 3 litres of jizz in her eye (ASIANBABEJIZZEYE.COM)?

No, because I am expected to be able to control my hormonal urges. So why the fuck can’t they? Maybe it’s because they are inferior. It seems the only plausible explanation. If man and woman are created equal, yet women cannot control their hormonal moods then they must be.

Imagine if God was a woman, and on the fifth day she didn’t create anything. Instead she sat in the corner crying and shoving chocolate into her fat gob between hysterical sobs. There would not be any fucking creatures. But that would be OK because, bless, her hormones were playing up. I think that settles the debate for me, the final nail, if God was a woman and periods are so bad why didn’t she make men have them?

I think the next time any bird blames anything on her hormones they should be locked up until they learn how to control themselves, as obviously they are incapable of acting with sound mind and judgement.

You wonder why there are so many miscarriages of justice? Just look at the menstrual cycle of any of the defence, prosecution or jury and no doubt you will find that someone was on rag week, behaving irrationally. If you think that’s bad, in America they have the death penalty. Imagine that you have just, quite reasonably, finished whipping your latest arrival from Poland with a coat hanger for not turning all the cash over to you at the end of the night and before you know it Judge Hormonal has sent you to the fucking chair.

OP