Oestrus Pudenda Creative Genius

Vernon Kay you spack-haired knob.

Everyone wants to bone your wife and you want to bone unwashed Page Three slappers.

Time to step aside amigo and let me get a piece of Tess, daily.

John Terry takes his place on the Wall of Shame, not for having an affair, but for getting caught - page one, JT, page one.

And now you've lost the England captain's armband as well. Perhaps you should try looking under Wayne Bridge's bed, it might be there with a couple of used condoms - oh yeah, I forgot you're not too keen on those.

It's not been a good couple of years for England's former captain all round, what with his mum's nicking, his dad's dealing and his own penalty shanking and embarrassing sidelines.

But if you will insist on knobbing everything that moves (fair enough, with a face like that you can't turn it down) and you get found out, don't try to block publication with an super-duper injunction, it just turns a page seven story into a media event.

Same goes for you Cashley, if you're going to hump every bit of mutton in your path be a bit more careful with your mobiles, I'm sure you can find a safe place for them.

And as for Wayne Bridge, well if you're so bothered about JT getting a length up your ex then you maybe shouldn't have got rid in the first place. But you deserve it for having friends like JT.

Bianca Gascoigne goes on the wall for not giving her poor, alcoholic, fuckwit step-dad the help and support he needs.

Instead the desperate, underwear averse, fame hungry slapper splashed her malformed fake bangers all over the tabloids degrading both herself and the name of the scorer of one of the best goals ever scored in a England shirt.

Slag.

My Flymo is awful.

I'm not sure how they got away with that name as it doesn't fly and it can't mow.

It should really be called a Mud Drag because that's all it does, drag mud around the garden until the grass looks shorter.

Perhaps they have made some improvements with the new Flymo Glide Master 340 model but I wouldn't know as they haven't sent me one (hint, hint). In the meantime, until I get the chance to review new crap things, I'll keep reviewing the crap things we already have.

Might as well phone Pedro and get him to do the lawn again.

Thanks a lot Flymo, not only do I have a useless lawnmower but I have to break employment law by employing an illegal to do the job your product couldn't.

So Apple have released a new product, the iPad, and hysteria breaks out once more.

But despite its name it's not a sanitary towel, but more of a blown up iPhone.

Obviously you want my opinion of it so here it is.

Well, the iPad is a obviously a step back for Apple as they have failed to allow me to fully scrutinise it so I can only assume they are trying to conceal the fact that it is riddled with faults and glitches.

Shame on you Apple.

Send me one and I might just change my mind.