Oestrus Pudenda Creative Genius

Wow, I am awesome. Thanks to my great advice the girl from Ask Oestrus #1 dumped her loser boyfriend and got together with her boss. Soon after that she blackmailed him into giving her a promotion, dumped him as well and is now working on one of the directors. Touching stuff, I’m so proud that my words have helped transform a young life.

Inspired by this success I’ve decided to use my gifts for the greater good once again to change the fortunes of another useless wanker. This young man’s foolishly gone looking for help from Dr Catherine Hood of The Mirror:

Why am I still a virgin at 27?
I’m a 27-year-old virgin and I just can’t seem to break my duck with women. I started worrying when I was 15 and, 12 years of rejections later, I can’t believe I still haven’t had sex.

I try to understand where I’m going wrong but can’t put my finger on it. Chat-up lines that work for mates have the opposite effect when I try them.

None of my friends know I’m still a virgin and I’m so depressed I don’t want to go out any more.

CATH SAYS: It’s easy to assume everyone is getting lucky apart from you. But you’re not alone in being a virgin in your late 20s.

It’s true most people first have sex around 17 but a significant number wait longer, perhaps because they don’t meet the right partner, for religious reasons or simply because they haven’t struck lucky.

Don’t let virginity be a weight on you and don’t throw it away cheaply - hold out for somebody you really want to sleep with.

Keep going out where you can meet women - your lack of experience isn’t visible and won’t scare them off.

And forget other people’s chat-up lines - they never work. Just be - yourself and get to know the women you chat to. When you finally find someone, don’t take things too fast. Slowly build your confidence before jumping into bed.

OESTRUS SAYS: Why are you still a virgin? Maybe it’s the stink of cunt that emits from your pathetic weasel persona. What the fuck are you thinking, 27 and you haven’t ploughed the fishy field once? You know, I might even fuck you myself as you sound like a sweet pussy little bitch to me.

Twenty fucking seven. Fucking hell.

Have you never been to a club and spotted a really drunk bird in a mini skirt? Or, if that’s too much like hard work, get a job as a mini cab driver - then you save money on drinks and a cab home but still get the benefit of all of the aforementioned.

I am assuming you’re happy to make an eight legged beast with any old bit of fluff, and right now you are probably built like Hellboy, but believe me women can smell the stench of stale spunk and desperation from fifty yards so you, my twitchy lil one armed bandit, have got to start somewhere and fast.

If you’re too much of a geek to ride some intoxicated punny until she wakes up why not try a menopausal MILF? They have permanent wide on’s and would happily give up a week’s HRT for a 27 year old V reg - still it would probably mean going to a jazz club or some kind of local community meeting. Or better yet, grab any bird you like and whisper firmly in her ear, “do as you’re told and you won’t get hurt,” and the night is yours. Might be a while until you get balls deep in anything else but the fags in D block after that one though, so maybe try a return ticket to Amsterdam and get three or four pros to break you in at once. You have waited so long you may as well pop your cherry with a bang, and I would also stop calling you a fucking weasel cunt who should know better.

OP out.

Because I’m so great and insightful people often ask me for advice. It’s generally much better than the pathetic drivel those useless agony aunts dole out, so for the benefit of the nation I will looking at some cases from the papers, reappraising them and providing practical solutions to the problems. If you have any problems that you’d like my expert advice on let me know and if I can be bothered I might solve them for you.

We’ll kick off with this sad case from The Sun:

My sick boss demands sex
My boss keeps trying to get me to have sex with him. I’m worried he’ll find a reason to sack me unless I give in.

I am 19 and it’s taken me over a year to land myself a new job after being made redundant. I was over the moon that at last I could get back into work and start saving up so me and my boyfriend can move in together eventually.

I love my job, and my boss is really nice to everyone. He’s a good-looking guy and there are plenty of other girls working here who would be willing, but he’s singled me out for his attentions.
Every day he finds excuses to get me to go up to his office, or stay after the others have gone home so we can be on our own.

I love my boyfriend very much and I wouldn’t dream of being unfaithful. I’ve told my boss how I feel about my boyfriend and that we’ve been together for over two years.

He just laughs and says I can do better.

It doesn’t really bother me that he chats me up. I can handle that, and I’ve no intention of giving into his wishes. I’ve made it clear I’m not going to have sex with him, now or in the future. At first he seemed OK but over the past week or so he seems to be getting a bit annoyed when I refuse him.

What’s really worrying me now is whether he’ll find a reason to sack me unless I do what he wants. He’s said as much in the past.

I really can’t afford to lose this job. There aren’t many around where I live, and it would be so unfair as I know I do my work really well.

DEIDRE SAYS: Your boss may be feeling irritated now he’s realising you really mean no but, if you stay calm and clear, he’ll probably soon give up his pestering. Flattering though it is, don’t let him even get to the point of flirting. Say firmly, “I believe in keeping personal and business relationships separate.” Just be careful to do your work as well as you can so he’s no excuse to pick on you.

However, if you get the feeling he really is going to turn ugly, don’t wait until you’re in crisis. The law protects you against such bully tactics. Get advice on your rights from Equality and Human Rights Commission (0845 604 6610, http://www.equalityhumanrights.com/).

OESTRUS SAYS: You selfish fucking bitch. Why the fuck do you think you got the job in the first place? You haven’t had a job for over a year, this guy practically gives you your life back, and you wont even play the gluey flute a couple of nights a week after work. Why don’t you ask your boyfriend if he will still love you when you’re destitute and homeless, smelling of piss and shit, begging for change? Will he fuck, so don’t even bring him into the equation. If you had half a brain you would have already done the deed and now be kicking back, happily blackmailing the cunt with various stained items of clothing or even photos, but like you said you were unemployed for a year so you obviously don’t have the nous to actually get out there and make a buck - you have to wait for some office saddo to think if he gives you a job he can play hide the fingers in your stinkhole and so he should.

This is my main problem with society, people just don’t know how to say thank you. So get on your knees and thank the man the way you should, it won’t take long and you will get a flat.