Oestrus Pudenda Creative Genius

*not the kind where a bunch of cross dressing Jeremys mince down Tottenham Court Road with a hospital bed, but the shit one that comes round once every four weeks

Why is it socially acceptable for women to behave like cunts and then, a few days or weeks later, or whenever it is that they realise they are/were behaving like a cunt on legs (which in a sense is exactly what they are, except Heather Mills who is a cunt on leg), are they given carte blanche on account of fucking hormones?

I’m fucking hormonal right now. You can tell because my purple headed custard chucker is throbbing, primed and ready to unload. But can I pin down the first bit of fluff that tickles my fancy and release my pent up hormones? Is it acceptable for me to shout ‘cock hungry sluts’ to the nuns on their way to wherever nuns go? Can I smack the fucking head off the grinning idiot who didn’t put chocolate sprinkles on my cappuccino and play in the bloody, gooey brain mush that’s left? Can I even kick the fuck out of the cunt at Virgin Media who promised me 8 meg broadband and produced 1, leaving me custard chucker in hand and nothing to look at but half an Asian babe with 3 litres of jizz in her eye (ASIANBABEJIZZEYE.COM)?

No, because I am expected to be able to control my hormonal urges. So why the fuck can’t they? Maybe it’s because they are inferior. It seems the only plausible explanation. If man and woman are created equal, yet women cannot control their hormonal moods then they must be.

Imagine if God was a woman, and on the fifth day she didn’t create anything. Instead she sat in the corner crying and shoving chocolate into her fat gob between hysterical sobs. There would not be any fucking creatures. But that would be OK because, bless, her hormones were playing up. I think that settles the debate for me, the final nail, if God was a woman and periods are so bad why didn’t she make men have them?

I think the next time any bird blames anything on her hormones they should be locked up until they learn how to control themselves, as obviously they are incapable of acting with sound mind and judgement.

You wonder why there are so many miscarriages of justice? Just look at the menstrual cycle of any of the defence, prosecution or jury and no doubt you will find that someone was on rag week, behaving irrationally. If you think that’s bad, in America they have the death penalty. Imagine that you have just, quite reasonably, finished whipping your latest arrival from Poland with a coat hanger for not turning all the cash over to you at the end of the night and before you know it Judge Hormonal has sent you to the fucking chair.

OP

Wow, I am awesome. Thanks to my great advice the girl from Ask Oestrus #1 dumped her loser boyfriend and got together with her boss. Soon after that she blackmailed him into giving her a promotion, dumped him as well and is now working on one of the directors. Touching stuff, I’m so proud that my words have helped transform a young life.

Inspired by this success I’ve decided to use my gifts for the greater good once again to change the fortunes of another useless wanker. This young man’s foolishly gone looking for help from Dr Catherine Hood of The Mirror:

Why am I still a virgin at 27?
I’m a 27-year-old virgin and I just can’t seem to break my duck with women. I started worrying when I was 15 and, 12 years of rejections later, I can’t believe I still haven’t had sex.

I try to understand where I’m going wrong but can’t put my finger on it. Chat-up lines that work for mates have the opposite effect when I try them.

None of my friends know I’m still a virgin and I’m so depressed I don’t want to go out any more.

CATH SAYS: It’s easy to assume everyone is getting lucky apart from you. But you’re not alone in being a virgin in your late 20s.

It’s true most people first have sex around 17 but a significant number wait longer, perhaps because they don’t meet the right partner, for religious reasons or simply because they haven’t struck lucky.

Don’t let virginity be a weight on you and don’t throw it away cheaply - hold out for somebody you really want to sleep with.

Keep going out where you can meet women - your lack of experience isn’t visible and won’t scare them off.

And forget other people’s chat-up lines - they never work. Just be - yourself and get to know the women you chat to. When you finally find someone, don’t take things too fast. Slowly build your confidence before jumping into bed.

OESTRUS SAYS: Why are you still a virgin? Maybe it’s the stink of cunt that emits from your pathetic weasel persona. What the fuck are you thinking, 27 and you haven’t ploughed the fishy field once? You know, I might even fuck you myself as you sound like a sweet pussy little bitch to me.

Twenty fucking seven. Fucking hell.

Have you never been to a club and spotted a really drunk bird in a mini skirt? Or, if that’s too much like hard work, get a job as a mini cab driver - then you save money on drinks and a cab home but still get the benefit of all of the aforementioned.

I am assuming you’re happy to make an eight legged beast with any old bit of fluff, and right now you are probably built like Hellboy, but believe me women can smell the stench of stale spunk and desperation from fifty yards so you, my twitchy lil one armed bandit, have got to start somewhere and fast.

If you’re too much of a geek to ride some intoxicated punny until she wakes up why not try a menopausal MILF? They have permanent wide on’s and would happily give up a week’s HRT for a 27 year old V reg - still it would probably mean going to a jazz club or some kind of local community meeting. Or better yet, grab any bird you like and whisper firmly in her ear, “do as you’re told and you won’t get hurt,” and the night is yours. Might be a while until you get balls deep in anything else but the fags in D block after that one though, so maybe try a return ticket to Amsterdam and get three or four pros to break you in at once. You have waited so long you may as well pop your cherry with a bang, and I would also stop calling you a fucking weasel cunt who should know better.

OP out.