Oestrus Pudenda Creative Genius

Well the world didn’t end today. It is a relief purely because there are still some hot birds out there that need to be ploughed by Oestrus, and it would be a tragedy for humanity to cease to exist without me hearing my balls slap against Jessica Biel's chin. I’m not too fussed about the geeks creating a black hole in Switzerland, in fact I think it’s a great fucking idea. I wish there was one in the UK, and no, I am not talking about the cultural vacuum that has sucked all the talent and creativity out of the entertainment industry (if you think Noel Edmonds opening an empty box is entertainment then fuck off right now).

I want a bin sized black hole in the corner of my office - the perfect spot for most of the myopic, uninspiring briefs I get sent, and for that matter any CV that doesn’t have a photo from the waist up coz if I can't see those jubilees girls I can't see any reason to give you a job.

Just think of the applications; you could put a black hole above every chimney, behind every car exhaust, any nuclear waste chuck it in the BH. Yes, I know it has to end up somewhere, but that somewhere is another dimension, so fuck them. If they haven’t had the courtesy to contact us after all the years humanity has been screaming blindly into the cosmos, but as soon as a little bit of nuclear waste pops up in their dimension they want to parlay, I say fuck 'em. And if they don’t have the technology to make contact, fuck 'em twice with a big stick coz that is Darwinism in its purist form.

Talking about Darwinism leads me on to my next gripe, fucking pensioners bitching about their fuel allowance or lack of it. Why do they need it? Hasn’t every geek and his godson spent the last ten years bitching about global warming and the fact that the Earth's temperature is rising? And yet these old bastards want more money to burn more fossil fuel, even though it's never going to be cold again thanks to their own irresponsible use of hairspray and fridges in the early 1980s.

Just the other day I was standing outside Oxfam laughing and throwing small change at all the gypos going inside when I spotted a jumper for a pound. Now, give a pensioner a hundred quid and he will spend it on increased carbon emissions, but catch one on the temple with a pound coin and he can be warm for the rest of his life.

What the fuck is wrong with some of the dumb cunt clients that approve the godforsaken ads that appear in between the piss poor, unimaginative, run of the mill TV programmes I occasionally have the misfortune to observe?

It's as if they are having a competition to see who could come up with the most unappealing, mind numbing shite for the public to consume or have to succumb to. The fact is that TV is on its way out, replaced by online viewing where the rules of their game don’t apply.

For example, I can remember those shabby Argos ads with Richard E Grant and Julia what’s her socks furnishing a mansion with the Argos catalogue. A few years, months, days, who knows, later in this convoluted, overexposed cultural vacuum called TV the ads are back - but no longer Argos, it's now Yell. Same fucking script, same story, just change the gender and ethnicity of the main characters and no one will notice.

It's such a shameless rehash of the commercial that I am compelled to bow down and salute the creative who managed to sell the same shite twice. What was it guys? Did you have pictures of the client fucking a dog, or have they just not read The Emperor's New Clothes, or maybe they did and the if it ain't broke don’t fix it attitude in the boardroom yet again surpassed common sense and creativity.

Why the fuck does Gillette keep on putting more and more razor blades on a razor? It just seems so fucking pointless. Is there a difference between running a single blade razor over your face four times or a four bladed razor once? Even writing about it pisses me off, not just the balls up of an ad made to go with the crock of shit product.

“OK, let's get three famous sportsmen from different sporting arenas, put them in the same suit and make them walk about a bit then cut to the four bladed razor.” At least the ad makes as much sense as the product.

If they had asked me do it I would have given Woods and Henry the four blade and Federer a Ladyshave, and whoever is left standing at the end gets the loser's fee. Hopefully Woods and Henry would carve up that pussy Federer and then go for each other Double Dragon style. Henry could even use his four blade to slice one of the arms off Federer's corpse and batter Woods about the head with it shouting 'fore' every time he connected. Not only entertaining, but culturally relevant as well, as all the teenagers in London would be reminded of the last time they walked home from school.

Or how about replacing the razor with a big sword so then you could just cut your own head off and never worry about shaving or their shit commercials again?