Oestrus Pudenda Creative Genius

Well the world didn’t end today. It is a relief purely because there are still some hot birds out there that need to be ploughed by Oestrus, and it would be a tragedy for humanity to cease to exist without me hearing my balls slap against Jessica Biel's chin. I’m not too fussed about the geeks creating a black hole in Switzerland, in fact I think it’s a great fucking idea. I wish there was one in the UK, and no, I am not talking about the cultural vacuum that has sucked all the talent and creativity out of the entertainment industry (if you think Noel Edmonds opening an empty box is entertainment then fuck off right now).

I want a bin sized black hole in the corner of my office - the perfect spot for most of the myopic, uninspiring briefs I get sent, and for that matter any CV that doesn’t have a photo from the waist up coz if I can't see those jubilees girls I can't see any reason to give you a job.

Just think of the applications; you could put a black hole above every chimney, behind every car exhaust, any nuclear waste chuck it in the BH. Yes, I know it has to end up somewhere, but that somewhere is another dimension, so fuck them. If they haven’t had the courtesy to contact us after all the years humanity has been screaming blindly into the cosmos, but as soon as a little bit of nuclear waste pops up in their dimension they want to parlay, I say fuck 'em. And if they don’t have the technology to make contact, fuck 'em twice with a big stick coz that is Darwinism in its purist form.

Talking about Darwinism leads me on to my next gripe, fucking pensioners bitching about their fuel allowance or lack of it. Why do they need it? Hasn’t every geek and his godson spent the last ten years bitching about global warming and the fact that the Earth's temperature is rising? And yet these old bastards want more money to burn more fossil fuel, even though it's never going to be cold again thanks to their own irresponsible use of hairspray and fridges in the early 1980s.

Just the other day I was standing outside Oxfam laughing and throwing small change at all the gypos going inside when I spotted a jumper for a pound. Now, give a pensioner a hundred quid and he will spend it on increased carbon emissions, but catch one on the temple with a pound coin and he can be warm for the rest of his life.