Oestrus Pudenda Creative Genius

John Terry takes his place on the Wall of Shame, not for having an affair, but for getting caught - page one, JT, page one.

And now you've lost the England captain's armband as well. Perhaps you should try looking under Wayne Bridge's bed, it might be there with a couple of used condoms - oh yeah, I forgot you're not too keen on those.

It's not been a good couple of years for England's former captain all round, what with his mum's nicking, his dad's dealing and his own penalty shanking and embarrassing sidelines.

But if you will insist on knobbing everything that moves (fair enough, with a face like that you can't turn it down) and you get found out, don't try to block publication with an super-duper injunction, it just turns a page seven story into a media event.

Same goes for you Cashley, if you're going to hump every bit of mutton in your path be a bit more careful with your mobiles, I'm sure you can find a safe place for them.

And as for Wayne Bridge, well if you're so bothered about JT getting a length up your ex then you maybe shouldn't have got rid in the first place. But you deserve it for having friends like JT.