Oestrus Pudenda Creative Genius

Wow, I am awesome. Thanks to my great advice the girl from Ask Oestrus #1 dumped her loser boyfriend and got together with her boss. Soon after that she blackmailed him into giving her a promotion, dumped him as well and is now working on one of the directors. Touching stuff, I’m so proud that my words have helped transform a young life.

Inspired by this success I’ve decided to use my gifts for the greater good once again to change the fortunes of another useless wanker. This young man’s foolishly gone looking for help from Dr Catherine Hood of The Mirror:

Why am I still a virgin at 27?
I’m a 27-year-old virgin and I just can’t seem to break my duck with women. I started worrying when I was 15 and, 12 years of rejections later, I can’t believe I still haven’t had sex.

I try to understand where I’m going wrong but can’t put my finger on it. Chat-up lines that work for mates have the opposite effect when I try them.

None of my friends know I’m still a virgin and I’m so depressed I don’t want to go out any more.

CATH SAYS: It’s easy to assume everyone is getting lucky apart from you. But you’re not alone in being a virgin in your late 20s.

It’s true most people first have sex around 17 but a significant number wait longer, perhaps because they don’t meet the right partner, for religious reasons or simply because they haven’t struck lucky.

Don’t let virginity be a weight on you and don’t throw it away cheaply - hold out for somebody you really want to sleep with.

Keep going out where you can meet women - your lack of experience isn’t visible and won’t scare them off.

And forget other people’s chat-up lines - they never work. Just be - yourself and get to know the women you chat to. When you finally find someone, don’t take things too fast. Slowly build your confidence before jumping into bed.

OESTRUS SAYS: Why are you still a virgin? Maybe it’s the stink of cunt that emits from your pathetic weasel persona. What the fuck are you thinking, 27 and you haven’t ploughed the fishy field once? You know, I might even fuck you myself as you sound like a sweet pussy little bitch to me.

Twenty fucking seven. Fucking hell.

Have you never been to a club and spotted a really drunk bird in a mini skirt? Or, if that’s too much like hard work, get a job as a mini cab driver - then you save money on drinks and a cab home but still get the benefit of all of the aforementioned.

I am assuming you’re happy to make an eight legged beast with any old bit of fluff, and right now you are probably built like Hellboy, but believe me women can smell the stench of stale spunk and desperation from fifty yards so you, my twitchy lil one armed bandit, have got to start somewhere and fast.

If you’re too much of a geek to ride some intoxicated punny until she wakes up why not try a menopausal MILF? They have permanent wide on’s and would happily give up a week’s HRT for a 27 year old V reg - still it would probably mean going to a jazz club or some kind of local community meeting. Or better yet, grab any bird you like and whisper firmly in her ear, “do as you’re told and you won’t get hurt,” and the night is yours. Might be a while until you get balls deep in anything else but the fags in D block after that one though, so maybe try a return ticket to Amsterdam and get three or four pros to break you in at once. You have waited so long you may as well pop your cherry with a bang, and I would also stop calling you a fucking weasel cunt who should know better.

OP out.